How to make spicy dill pickles

How to make the best fucking dill pickles ever**

** Recipe courtesy of my momma Kalisa :P

 

Who doesn't love pickles? Actually, I wasn't a huge pickle fan until I tried these. I can sit and eat an entire jar of these bad boys! nom nom nom

 

 

So assemble your shit, I follow the basic dill pickle recipe in the blue book with some additions **(garlic cloves and peppers)

 

For the brine you need:

 

• 4 cups pickling vinegar
• 4 cups water
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 3/4 cup pickling salt
• 3 tablespoons pickling spices ( )

Throw the brine in a pot and let it simmer for about 15 minutes - put the lid on and stand back when you open it because its burny in your eyes.

 

but it smells so good

 

Wash your jars, lids, and bands and set aside.

 

Get your water bath canner on the stove heating up too! ( it takes for fucking ever)

 

Now scrub your cucumbers - srsly, scrub them. Just rinsing them will not remove the enzyme on their skin that makes them soft... nobody wants a limp pickle... they can get the job done but they aren't nearly as fun

 

Make a drink and forget to take photos of the following steps

 

Ahem.

 

Peel a shit ton of garlic and throw a couple in each jar

 

Cut the ends off of your pickles and cram as many of those little suckers in the jar as you can. You want to pack those pickles tight. If you have a crooked pickle, save it for the top to help hold the rest down.

 

Now add:

•  a dill head/flower
• some more garlic
• 1 tablespoon ish of chili peppers - or more if you want ;)
• 1/4 teaspoon of pickle crisp (we are making quart jars here so 1/8 for pints if you are weird.. )

 

pour your hot brine in leaving 1/2" head space - remove air bubbles. Wipe your rims, fasten two piece lids and place in hot water bath canner - process for 15 minutes for quarts and pints the same.

 

Remove jars after processing and set them away from drafts on a kitchen towel to cool and seal

 

Now you wait. Pickles will be ready/cured in 4-6 weeks. Once you open a jar, refrigerate. They are good in the fridge for a YEAR and on the shelf probably for fucking ever idk.

 

How to make Apple pie

'Merica! My favorite apple pie

This is THE best apple pie I have ever made. I originally made it for my neighbor, but I learned a tough lesson making this pie for my neighbor... always make two pies.

Pick out eight good baking apples - granny smith are a favorite. I picked eight mystery apples from my tree (no idea what variety) and from a friends mystery trees for variety.

Pick a firm apple, with a crisp texture - a soft mealy apple will turn into apple sauce. Up to you on sweet vs. tart but I went for tart apples since the recipe is SO sweet.

 I already had pie crust pre-made, because when butter is on sale I make like a dozen double crust pie recipes and freeze it for later - the crust is the hardest part of pie so its nice to get all that shit out of the way.

 

But for you unprepared people, google it.

 

I'll get around to making crust post soon, if you are curious, since I used my last pre-made for this recipe!

 

 

 

Assemble your tools and ingredients - this is a good thing to do before you are halfway through cooking and discover you don't have any butter, and so you don't have to phone a friend and use up a lifeline.

Our mystery apples... mmm... some of these I grew myself - by totally ignoring the tree #nature

 

Pre-heat the oven to 425f ... make sure you didn't hide any dirty dishes in there first

 

 

 

So now would be a good time to roll out the bottom crust and plop it in the pie pan, I didn't do this and it was a little crazy. So learn from me and roll it out before things are boiling.

 

 

Now the good part -

In a sauce pan melt 1/2 cup of butter

Add 3 TBS of al-purpose flour to make a paste

then add 1/4 cup of water, 1/2 cup of white sugar and 1/2 a cup of brown sugar and bring to a boil

You just have to make it TO boil, then reduce the temperature to a simmer, you don't have to let it boil. Unless you aren't paying attention because your mimosa was empty and you were making a refill... priorities

 

I don't think I hurt it... but if yours doesn't get this dark its probably normal

 

So in the meantime while this stuff is heating to a boil, peel your apples and slice them up and arrange them in the pie crust. It should mound up a little (it'll cook down some and nobody wants a concave pie) -- if you are into spices, you can add spices to your apples or the saucepan. I didn't add any. I sometimes do cinnamon, nutmeg... whatever else I see in my cupboard that sounds good.

 

then roll out your pie top and cut into strips and make a lattice

 

I don't have pictures of any of this because - I was drunk. So I drew you a picture instead

 

Thank you Microsoft paint. I know, my hair is longer in real life - but i'm lazy.

Now pour the saucepan of deliciousness over the pie - slowly so it doesn't run off. mmmm

Ok pop the pie in the oven for 15 minutes, then reduce the temp to 350 for another 35 ish minutes.

Also put a baking sheet under your pie to catch any boiling over - or your oven will smoke for a long time until it all burns off the bottom... or I guess if you clean it

 

 

Looks good right? It tastes better. It is fucking NOM

 

This is 'merica apple pie.

 

So yeah, the neighbors didn't get a pie... always make two... always

 

Cheers!

How to can peaches

I canned twenty fucking pounds of peaches today. 

I kind of love canning. Not the hard work part - but there's a lot of satisfaction in filling my pantry with home canned goodies. It is definitely a skill I want to continue to practice and develop... it is certainly less and less terrifying each time.

I prefer canning vs freezing because food stays fresher, it's shelf stable so I don't have to worry about power outages, and I don't have to worry about freezer space - I fill my freezer with meat! 

I remember watching my grandma can when I was a kid, and I wish I had tapped into that resource and paid closer attention. She used to can peaches every year, and it was always one of my favorite things to indulge in.

Unfortunately, I did not pay attention. 

So I have set out on this adventure of learning to can armed with ignorance, fear of exploding canners, sheer determination and the interwebs. 

If I can do this - YOU can do this. Let the blind leading the blind commence:

Ok canning shit you will need: 

 - Water bath canner  - safe canning jars 

 - lids and rings

 - jar lifter

 - non metallic spatula 

 - canning funnel doohickey

 - ladle

 - peaches

 - ice

 - sugar 

So first you should wash your jars and lids, hindsight wisdom right here. This should be step 1. Now you can pour yourself a glass of wine or champagne like me, because i'm a classy bitch.

 

You do not need to sterilize jars like they used to tell you, the new guidelines point out how pointless that is since you cannot keep them sterile anyway and the canning process kills everything.

So just wash with hot soapy water and dry - SOOO much easier. srsly. What asshat is responsible for all the jars I sterilized literally a month before they released the new guidelines?! "JK! LOL that's fucking pointless!"  EFFFFF

Anyhooters:

Next you need to bring a pot of water to boil 

Once the water is boiling rapidly, drop in a few peaches - carefully. 

And once the peaches are in - fill a bowl with ice water 

I let my peaches sit in the boiling water for two minutes and then transfer to the ice water so they stop cooking immediately

Repeat this process until all peaches are blanched (I just take them out of the ice water after a couple minutes and put them in a clean bowl to make room)

Once your peaches are blanched get your water bath canner on the stove heating up (because it takes all damn day to boil I swear), and start making your simple syrup.

This is a light syrup:

 - 2 1/4 cups sugar

 - 5 1/4 cups water 

Heat to a boil then turn the heat down to a low simmer.

In the meantime grab a knife and start prepping peaches!

First halve them by following the natural crease all peaches have, you know, the butt.

Then core and peel your peach and remove any bad spots or whatever

 (why is this photo upside down?)

If you didn't totally fuck up the blanching process the skin should just slide off. Don't work too hard, you can pop them back in the boiling water for 30 seconds if you need to.

Start packing peach halves core side down into the jars layering until full - leave 1/2 head space 

... mmmmm your kitchen should smell amazing right now

Now ladle your simple syrup into the jars leaving 1/2" head space

Remove air bubbles with a non metallic spatula or air bubble tool thingee. 

Clean off the top of the jar with a damp rag and set your lid and tighten your ring. (don't wrench the rings down, just 'finger tight')

Lower into the canner and process pints for 25 minutes, quarts for 30 minutes. 

My helper as usual, because 30lbs of squirming toddler on your back makes every chore cross fit.

Carefully lift out jars onto a kitchen towel away from drafts to cool completely - try not to fuck with them the rest of the day while they set. 

You will know which jars sealed properly because the lid will not give in the center when pushed. Remove your rings and wash your jars before storing - these will be good for a while but for the best taste use within a year or so 

Cheers!